lessons learnt
Saturday, September 2
i know i was supposed to blog abt thursday in the next post...but i just learnt a lesson.
i dont exactly know where to begin...so many things to say, and i havent got them organised. they're all hazy... i need to think a bit
this still isnt very organised, but o well, just give it a go.
its amazing how much one can learn just from a flooded tagboard full of tags, especially when it's only 2 speakers. but really, the learning didnt just start there. it's only when i read the tags when it struck me and the rest of the things started to fall in as God's signs to me in simpler ways, almost like going gradually bigger in their signs.
it all first started when i had the month-long argument with junyi on nick's tagboard. about $1. silly matter really, but it was all a matter of perspective. i never knew he had a weekly allowance of $15 till he actually told me during his last post before nick forced us both to stop. also i dint know he had some family problems which i shant say what... only when qin xiang told me did i realise it.
i was arguing from the point of view, assuming that he got at least $20 a week and had an awesome family, just like a typical acsi student. so i was generalising, like i always do. i mean like when it comes to clarifying their scenario, i'm always like "been there, done that" or "dun bother to waste my time", cos when i've actually bothered clarifying, it turns out to be what i think. so its become a tendency for me to just make generalisations.
then just recently, and that meaning thursday, junyi and i were walking out of the audi rather near each other and qin xiang started rubbin it in, saying, "some people don't realised the value of $1. its the small $1 that makes up the big values." this one wasnt really that big, but what struck me much more was what junyi actually said to me
he said to me smiling, "you're clement izzit? hi, i'm junyi." i was like so shocked that he was actually talking to me so calmly, treating me with warmth and friendliness. i mean, after all we had argued about, and he was being so nice? i was so shocked i couldnt reply properly and i think i made a fool of myself. "you mean you dint know??? i knew who you were long ago," i said. now, thinking back, i know that was the wrong thing to do. he treated me with kindness, setting aside the argument we had, and what did i do? snap back at him. i'm so ashamed.
so as i read the tags, although each thing addressed a specific, it related to a bigger picture of a bigger mistake i have made. and that makes me feel terrible, cos i've been committing mistakes here and there without myself even realising it.
i think it all comes from me being to structural. i think that everything must come in a certain way, things must be done in a certain format, personalities are always a certain type, i mean, i've just been rigid, not allowing for any exceptions. so when i strive for perfection, what i strive for is in accordance to my perception. i think theres always a 'model' and theres always a way to be better.
i always wonder why others dont ever try to be perfect. it dawned upon me. it isnt always that people are lazy. it's also because others' perspective of perfection may be entirely different from what i view as perfect, and this version of perfect usually is out of my rigid system of having a certain format, thus i fail to see the perfection others might see in it.
i dont know why it took an argument with a good friend to make me realise this, perhaps its because i feel that having a person whom i do not know well to dislike me is better than to have a good friend dislike me. friendship is important. and i'm sorry that it took so long for me to realise my mistakes, and took a friendship on the thread to make me realise it too. i'm ashamed of how blindly i've been walking.
and indeed, God can speak to us in many ways. while reading to the tags, i was also listening to music on the comp. the music playing wasnt a Christian song, but the story also has meaning to the lyrics. is it coincidence that it was playing when i was reading the tags? definitely not. with God, everything happens for a purpose. anyway, the song is 'lessons learned' by carrie underwood, and the lyrics are as follows (parts of the song which i feel applies to me are in Bold Italics):
Lessons Learned by Carrie UnderwoodThere's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts that had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things I wish I could do all all over again.
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
CHORUS:
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didnt't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some roads that I wish I could have one more chance to make,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
CHORUS:
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And nothing's gotta go,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.
CHORUS:
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.the lyrics really speak loads about my feelings right now. as i said before, everything happens to us for a purpose.
lastly, i just wanna say sry to nick and junyi...though i dont think junyi reads my blog haha.
well it took me 1h40min to organise my thoughts and type that. hope it's taken seriously
AMEN;
12:01 am
